Colossians 3:21; Ephesians 6:4
~15 min read
TRANSCRIPT
As we are focusing on this topic of ‘God's instructions for the family’, we have come to His divine instructions for Christian parents. As parents, how are we supposed to raise up our children?
If you want to get a driver's license in Victoria, you have to take a test. You have to pass the test in order to show a certain level of confidence that you are able to drive a car. If you don't pass the test, you are not allowed to drive a car.
If you want to be a teacher, you have to get at least a diploma or a degree of some sort of teaching courses. If you don't pass the test, you will not be a certified teacher. The same goes with doctors, nurses, engineers, accountants, lawyers, etc.
But it is interesting that we do not do that with children. We just assume that when two persons come together, get married, have children - somehow by some means, they would be able to know how to raise a child.
Today, parenting seminars, books on marriage and the family are constantly being written and published. Child psychology and humanistic methods and ideas about parenting are constantly being proposed.
Yet only the word of God has the right biblical basis for parents to know how to raise up their children. The Bible is the word of God. And if we know the Bible well, then we will have all the council, foundation and information necessary for a godly family life.
Colossians 3:21 said, "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." To provoke means to stir up or to exasperate and to be discouraged is to lose heart.
As in our previous messages, it is worthy for us to also consider Ephesians 6:4 which is an extension of this particular verse. Allow me to read for you: "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."
The father is the head of the family and he has the chief responsibility to raise up his children. That does not mean mothers are not involved because in the previous verses mothers are already mentioned. We are to honor our fathers and also our mothers.
Looking at these two verses, you will notice one is negative and the other is positive.
I. The negative aspects
Firstly, let us consider the negative aspects. The negative aspect involves restrain. Provoke not your children to wrath or anger - otherwise they would be discouraged.
There are many ways parents can provoke their children whether directly or indirectly, consciously or ignorantly. Allow me to give you some examples. They are not exhaustive. They are just some practical examples.
Parents can provoke their children by being unreasonable. They set certain expectations, things that are beyond their child's capabilities. And they load the child with so many demands that frustration and the losing of hearts are inevitable.
This is very common in our times because most parents will want their children to excel in this world. Every day they are loaded with tuition after tution, more classes, extra curriculums, music lessons and so forth.
If the child gets a score of 95%. It is not good enough. If he gets 99% and the neighbor's kid gets 99% then he has to get 100%. Parents are stressful and they will blame the school, the society and everyone else for the pressure. But often times the real culprit are the parents. Inevitably, they have already decided in their minds what their child would be and they push the poor little kid toward the mark.
Dear friend, we must learn to accept our children as they are and spare a thought for our little ones and let them experience the joy of their childhood.
Instead of being unreasonable by setting our own expectations, parents can provoke their children by being overprotective. They are just too fearful of things that may harm their children.
Now it is right to be protective of our children but I use the phrase overprotective. So they would set up fences and boundaries whether invisible or visible from all directions. ‘Do not do this and do not do that. Do not go here and do not go there.’
Of course, there are times whereby our children need to be warned of great dangers. We need to protect them from venturing into the waters if they do not know how to swim. We need to warn them not to play with fire.
But on the other hand, it is also necessary for us to let go and allow our children to grow in their physical, moral, and spiritual development. If the little bird always remains in the nest, it will never learn to fly.
Our overprotective attitude has a tendency of depriving our children of their confidence and at the same time instilling in them this anger especially when they compare themselves with their friends who are not treated in the same way. Being overprotective can cause the child to feel that he can never be trusted. No matter what he does, however hard he tries, his parents will never trust him.
Parents can provoke their children by showing favoritism. The Bible has many examples of parents who show favoritism and the result was always disastrous. For example, Isaac favored Esau over Jacob. Rebecca preferred Jacob over Esau which led to deceptions. And a classic example would be Joseph whom Jacob favored over all his brethren.
Favoritism not only will lead the child to despise his parents but the siblings will despise one another as well. As parents we must never do that. Every child we have whether the oldest, the youngest or the middle child - they are precious, unique, specially given to us by God. We should show no favoritism at all.
Parents can provoke their children by being inconsistent, especially in their Christian lives. We want our children to grow up to be good Christians. We want them to read the Bible. We want them to pray, to grow spiritually. But as parents, we ourselves do not do what we expect them to do.
We do not want them to develop ungodly behaviors. Yet we ourselves slander, gossip and speak evil about others in front of them. Our children are watching us all the time.
A friend of mine once said to me, ‘My father was holding a cigarette in his hand while at the same time warning me that I must never smoke. My father was holding a bottle of liquor in his hand while at the same time warning me that I must never drink alcohol.’
How can we expect a child to grow up in such an environment of inconsistencies?
Parents can provoke their children by discouragement though they may not realize it. We discourage them by the words we speak, the things we say. Our child comes home and says to us, ‘Mom, I drew a picture today and everyone says it is so beautiful.’
And then the mom says to her, ‘Why waste your time to draw pictures? You should be studying mathematics. You should be doing your science revision. Stop drawing. Go and practice your piano.’
Many years ago, I was teaching one of my sons to swim and I tried to encourage him to swim the entire length of the swimming pool. He was struggling and I kept saying to him, ‘Keep going. Do not give up.’
Another boy was watching me. He turned to me and gave me a look as if telling me, ‘Watch me.’ And he immediately swam the entire length of the pool with powerful strokes. At the end of the pool, he turned and looked at me again. I knew he was expecting me to say something to him. And so I said, ‘Well done.’
Children need appraises, not discouragement. If you don't believe me, just take a walk to the playground where you see the children swinging on the monkey bars and then you just say to one of them, ‘That was really wonderful.’ And you watch what the rest of them would do. Everyone would be swinging on the monkey bus.
Children are always seeking for approvals. I like the way Martin Luther puts it. ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child. That is true. But beside the rod, keep an apple to give to him when he has done well.’
Parents can provoke their children by criticism. A child should learn how to behave, what he should do, and what he should not do. But if we keep criticising him, especially in front of others, our constant criticism will cause him not only to condemn himself, look down upon himself, but also to find fault with others. He would doubt his own judgment, be disparaged over his own abilities and distrust the intentions of others.
Parents can provoke their children by excessive discipline. We need to discipline our children from time to time. As Proverbs 13:24 said, "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." - which means deligently when it is needful and necessary.
The rod is used to correct our child and lead him to the right path. But it must never be used excessively. That is abuse.
There are parents who abuse their children whether it be verbally, emotionally or physically. There are parents who say things to their children which they would never say to anyone else. There are parents who would even discipline their children by venting their anger, ‘You are the one to be blamed. It is all your fault.’
One way to avoid doing that is to use the rod of discipline and then take the time to explain to the child lovingly why it is necessary for daddy and mommy to use the rod of discipline.
Finally, we must acknowledge that it is a fact that Christians are prone to backsliding. Our children are also prone to backsliding. Some of our children are already drifting away from God. They are confused, doubtful, making wrong decisions in life, living in sin.
As parents, sometimes in our eagerness to get them to repent, we want immediate repentance. But we must remember if they are already one foot outside the church and they have already stopped fellowshipping with the saints and worshiping the almighty God, it can never be immediate unless God convicts their hearts strongly.
When a child is living in sin, he does not have the spiritual ability to see his own faults. Instead of insisting that he either repent, do the right thing or else we close the door on him - we need to have the patience to pray for him, to spend time to explain to him his faults. It will not happen overnight. Sometimes it may take years for the child to realise his faults.
Allow me to quote the words of a child who had backslided and these were his words – a very rebellious child.
‘It is not the constant nagging and counelss of my parents. Nothing they said makes any sense to me when I was in sin. But it was their loving patience that finally opened up my spiritual eyes to see my own foolishness and behaviors.’
Our child is like a fragile flower if we may put it this way. He can easily be crushed by the parents or he can be made to blossom beyond expectation bringing indescribable joy to the parents to himself and ultimately to the almighty God.
So these are the negative aspects. Do not provoke your children to anger and wrath.
II. The positive aspects
Our second point will be the positive aspect and that involves bringing them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
To bring them up involves training and it has the sense of gentleness to feed and care for them lovingly, not just physically and emotionally, but more importantly spiritually. “In the nurture and admonition of the Lord” involves more than just training but also discipline and warning. So all the training instructions, discipline and warning must be of the Lord.
The phrase “of the Lord” has two aspects. Firstly, it speaks of the ways of the Lord belongs to the Lord, His counsels, His words. So, it must be in accordance to the Bible.
But how can we teach our children unless we ourselves are trained in the word of God? We ourselves are studying the Bible. We ourselves are seeking to live our lives according to the Bible and we practice it in our own daily lives.
As mentioned earlier, our children are always watching us. Children are not looking for perfect parents. No man is but they are looking for honest parents. Parents who have lived their lives as examples. What you teach you live out.
Secondly of the Lord also speaks of bringing up the child as a spiritual work. So it must be done not only in accordance with the Bible but by the guidance and power of the Holy Spirit in the name of the only begotten son of God Jesus Christ and to His own glory and honor. We want to bring up our children not for our glory but for the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.
I like to include this that every child, every believer is responsible for his or her own sins. Some children have been taught in godly ways from a very young age. By the grace of God, they are well supported by godly Christian parents; attended Sunday schools from maybe six, seven years old. But nonetheless, they still went astray.
Dear friend, if your child has abandoned the Lord and is living a sinful and worldly life, it may not necessarily be your fault. Do not give up hope. Your duty is to continue to live as faithful Christians, worshiping and serving the Lord and praying for your child.
Remember James 5:16 said, "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." So you yourself must be righteous and be prayerful and God will answer.
We believe in a covenantal keeping God and He deals with us as a covenant family. All the things that we have taught our children, we know that God is able to bring them to remembrance. It may take months. It may take years. But we must pray that God be merciful to remind them and bring them back to the Lord.
It is true that some children have been raised in godly homes and yet went astray. And sometimes there are others who are spiritually disadvantaged. They come from ungodly unbelieving families and yet they became Christians and are good examples of the believers. Remember it is always of the Lord, in the Lord. It is by the grace of God.
But the normal pattern is the communication of our faith from one generation to another generation within the context of a covenantal family. This is our responsibility. Children must honor their parents in the Lord and parents must bring up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
It is difficult but not impossible because the truth that it is the Lord Himself who saves, preserves, sustains, builds up, develops, disciplines and instructs. That is why the Bible repeatedly said in the Lord and of the Lord. What an encouragement to all of us who are Christian parents. If it depends on us, we are finished. Our human efforts mean nothing.
So many of us who are parents cannot fail and fail to debate with our children and our children will win over many such debates. But it is the Almighty God who is the one who will transform their hearts.
Jesus Christ our almighty God has blessed us with children for His sovereign will and purpose and He alone as the almighty God will minister to our children. We are just instruments. Through His infallible and inherent word, the Bible, and through the power of the Holy Spirit, He is able to do so.
Today we are living in perilous times, in a time whereby the voice of human rights can be heard from every corner of the world. We mentioned that in our previous message -women rights, minority rights, gay rights, even animals have rights. The world is trying to liberate our children from parental authority, teachings, discipline, and traditional values.
Some of these things are being taught in schools, secular schools, that children have and should have complete rights over their sexual preferences. They have the right to choose alternative homosexual lifestyles. They have the right to choose their preferred genders.
Recently I read an article that said at what age can a child have the right to choose his or her preferred gender? The answer was 6 years old. Can you imagine that we are living in such times in some countries especially in the western world, children have the right to sue their parents for spanking them or forcing them to attend church or to do household chores.
What can we do in such times like this? As parents, if we do not commit ourselves to the godly teachings and instructions given to us to bring up our children in the nurture and ammonition of the Lord, we may wake up to find out one day that our sons and daughters have been ensnared by the ungodly philosophies and practices of the world. It would be most tragic.
God is patient with us and may God be patient with our children too. So He has given to us the Bible, His precious word to teach us how children ought to honor their parents and how parents ought to nurture and admonish their children. And it is our responsibility to apply God's wisdom into our lives if we want to have a godly family.
In conclusion, I like to say this. The bringing up of godly children is not the responsibility of the Sunday school teachers or even the church. It is the parents. At best, the Sunday school teachers and the church can complement and supplement what you have already taught your children at home. At worst, their faithful teaching of God's word would expose your hypocrisies.
I'm not targeting or discouraging anyone, but it is a fact. If the children are being taught the faithful word of God in the Sunday school and in the church, and they go back home and they see how the way their parents behave, it will either encourage or discourage them.
It will either show them that God's word is so real and it has transformed my parents' lives or it will expose the lives of their parents’ hypocrisies. May the Lord forgive us if that really happens to us.
As a church we stand together with you who are parents. We will do everything we can to help you in every possible means that God has given to us to bring up your child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
And we recognise that all the resources made available to you, whether it be the worship service, prayer meetings, Bible study groups, DHW, YPG, childrens ministry, Sunday school, home care groups, etc. They are all for you and your children's well-being.
And I pray that all of us will utilise all these resources and that God will continue to provide for us all these resources so that parents will be equipped to bring up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. So that one day our children will glorify Him and that will be a joy indescribable.
May the Lord bless Bethel BP church to the glory of His precious name. Let us pray.
Father in heaven, even as we consider this one verse in Colossians 3:21 and also Ephesians 6:4, we learn of both the negative and positive aspects. We are not to provoke our children to anger nor wrath, but we are to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of thee.
And thou has given to us the holy scriptures, the Bible, thy instructions. And thou has also given to us the Holy Spirit who is able to enable us to do this spiritual work.
We acknowledge that if our children are doing well today, it is by thy grace and mercy. If our children have gone astray, it is also by thy grace and mercy that thou will bring them back to thee again.
So we need always to be prayerful, to live our lives as wonderful examples for our children to follow to be consistent in the profession that we have made before our children. That they see no hypocrisies in us but only consistencies and a love for the almighty God.
So we pray that thou will teach every parent or every parent to be that this is the way we ought to live our lives. If we want to have a godly family, we must follow the wisdom of God and if we follow the wisdom of God, then we will never go wrong.
We give thee thanks and we pray all this in Jesus' name. Amen.
THE BOOK OF COLOSSIANSA Faith And Love That ShinesA Faith And Love That ShinesColossians 1:1-4
The Blessedness Of Our Christian HopeThe Blessedness Of Our Christian HopeColossians 1:5-6a
The Transforming Power Of The GospelThe Transforming Power Of The GospelColossians 1:6b-8
The Need For PrayersThe Need For PrayersColossians 1:9
Prayer for Spiritual ExcellencePrayer for Spiritual ExcellenceColossians 1:9-12
Walk Worthy Of The LordWalk Worthy Of The LordColossians 1:10-11
What Does It Mean To Call God Our Father?What Does It Mean To Call God Our Father?Colossians 1:12a
What Does It Mean To Be Citizens Of God’s Kingdom?What Does It Mean To Be Citizens Of God’s Kingdom?Colossians 1:12b-13
I Am Redeemed And ForgivenI Am Redeemed And ForgivenColossians 1:14
Christ, The Invisible GodChrist, The Invisible GodColossians 1:15
Jesus Our Creator Loves Me, This I KnowJesus Our Creator Loves Me, This I KnowColossians 1:16-17; Romans 8:37-39
What Is Christ’s Relationship With The Church?What Is Christ’s Relationship With The Church?Colossians 1:18
What Does It Mean To Be Reconciled To God?What Does It Mean To Be Reconciled To God?Colossians 1:19-22
The Evidence Of Our SalvationThe Evidence Of Our SalvationColossians 1:23a
Are We Willing To Suffer For Christ?Are We Willing To Suffer For Christ?Colossians 1:23b-24
How Faithful Are We?How Faithful Are We?Colossians 1:25-27
What Does It Take To Be Faithful In The Ministry?What Does It Take To Be Faithful In The Ministry?Colossians 1:28-29
The Indispensable Component In Serving GodThe Indispensable Component In Serving GodColossians 2:1-2a
This Is What I Wish For You To Have And To BeThis Is What I Wish For You To Have And To BeColossians 2:2b-5
Message 3: What is Christ to you? My Covenantal Head!Message 3: What is Christ to you? My Covenantal Head!Colossians 2:4-9, 19
The Evidence Of Our SalvationThe Evidence Of Our SalvationColossians 2:6-7
Message 4: What is a healthy and sound church? My Covenantal Haven!Message 4: What is a healthy and sound church? My Covenantal Haven!Colossians 2:7
Our Spiritual Union With ChristOur Spiritual Union With ChristColossians 2:11-12
Message 2: What is Church to you? My Covenantal Family!Message 2: What is Church to you? My Covenantal Family!Exodus 12:48-49, Colossians 2:11-12
What It Means To Be ForgivenWhat It Means To Be ForgivenColossians 2:13-14
Faith In Christ Is The VictoryFaith In Christ Is The VictoryColossians 2:15
The Danger Of Being LegalisticThe Danger Of Being LegalisticColossians 2:16-17
The Danger Of Spiritual DeceptionThe Danger Of Spiritual DeceptionColossians 2:18-19
The Vanity Of Self-Denial To Achieve SpiritualityThe Vanity Of Self-Denial To Achieve SpiritualityColossians 2:20-23
Seek Those Things Which Are AboveSeek Those Things Which Are AboveColossians 3:1-2
What Does It Mean To Be In Christ?What Does It Mean To Be In Christ?Colossians 3:3-4
Mortification Of SinMortification Of SinColossians 3:5-7
Put Off All These ThingsPut Off All These ThingsColossians 3:8-9
Put On The New ManPut On The New ManColossians 3:10-11
Recipes For A God-Honouring ChurchRecipes For A God-Honouring ChurchColossians 3:12
Lessons About Forbearance And ForgivenessLessons About Forbearance And ForgivenessColossians 3:13
United In Love And Ruled By God’s PeaceUnited In Love And Ruled By God’s PeaceColossians 3:14-15
Filled With The Spirit In Word And SongsFilled With The Spirit In Word And SongsColossians 3:16
God’s Instructions For The Family: The Christian WifeGod’s Instructions For The Family: The Christian WifeColossians 3:17-18; Ephesians 5:22-24
God’s Instructions For The Family: The Christian HusbandGod’s Instructions For The Family: The Christian HusbandColossians 3:19; Ephesians 5:25-33
God’s Instructions For The Family: The Christian ChildrenGod’s Instructions For The Family: The Christian ChildrenColossians 3:20; Ephesians 6:1-3
God’s Instructions For The Family: The Christian ParentsGod’s Instructions For The Family: The Christian ParentsColossians 3:21; Ephesians 6:4
God’s Instructions For The Christian Employees And EmployersGod’s Instructions For The Christian Employees And EmployersColossians 3:23-4:1
The Believer And PrayersThe Believer And PrayersColossians 4:2
The Believer And The GospelThe Believer And The GospelColossians 4:3-4
The Believer And His ConductThe Believer And His ConductColossians 4:5
Human Wisdom Versus God’s WisdomHuman Wisdom Versus God’s WisdomColossians 2:8-10
